A poem many years old

[Andal]

This is a poem I wrote after reading LOTR the first time. Over the years I must have forgotten it. Today I found it by chance and remembered this special feeling of "the-1st-time-reading".
The crossing of the Dead Marshes always was a very special part of the story for me. It illustrates so well the many powers that stay against Frodo and Sam fulfilling their task.

As I am not native english speaking there may be some mistakes. I'd be grateful if you could point them out.


In the Dead Marshes

Where the mist crawls out of dark wet holes
and shadows thrown by crying souls
find their way in wanderer's mind
and in his heart to make it blind, there ...

Where skeletons of crippled trees
loom up as fen-ghosts wanderer sees
in his fear of long-branched hands
reminding him of old died ents, there ...

Where the path is hidden in thick, dark reed
and the blades are trembling under sources' heat
which lifts the mist and moves the wave,
and frightens the wanderer though he's brave, there ...

Where sloshing waves are dark like night
and pool-grounds gloom in palen light
which glows in the undead decayed faces
of elves and orcs, the hostile races, there ...

Where ages ago two hosts shone bright
and thousands of warriors died in the fight
to be phantoms now in wanderer's thoughts
whispering about rings of power and their lords, there ...

There ... there can you, wanderer, feel the fear,
the mind-hurting horror of Sauron's near,
you can sense the shadow he throws over the land
and the beat of his greed to hold The One in his hand.

There ... there are you, wanderer, in the Dead Marshes.


Andal

[Tar-Ancalimë]

wow...

this is a wonderful poem. it's chilling and evocative, and the images it conjures are very powerful... i love the repitition of 'there...' and the wanderer...

this is a very powerful poem, and it doesnt sound like youre not a native speaker of English!

my only comments...
'reminding him of old died ents, there ...' <-- do you mean 'dead' rather than 'died'? 'dead' is the adjective

'and pool-grounds gloom in palen light' <-- 'palen' isnt a word... is it a typo maybe?

but like i said, this does not sound as though English isn't your first language... i take it that is german by your location?

[Nessa the Dancer]

That is really good!!
I love your images.
'Where the mist crawals out of dark holes...'
It really gives you the shivers.

[Lady Ashley]

Very cool. That's a greeat poem.

[Andal]

Thank you all very much!
Especially for the critical comments:

- it seems that i really mean 'dead' not 'died'. in german there is a difference between these (you can say 'he is died'). i will correct that to 'dead'

- well, palen. that's pale, of course. i made that up for better text fluency. i assume, relating to your comment, that is uncommon in english. perhaps i should add another syllable somewhere in that line.

Andal

[Catz]

mmm you need the two syllables there........how about "palest" or perhaps "pallid"........both english usages
actually tho......i dont think that a poem need be too concerned with the rules of language ;).......sometimes to break a rule is far more effective........love the poem:thumbs:
:catz:

[Bonos-Girl]

me too....this is the first time i've been in here (and for those of you who weren't in chat...i didn't know there was a poetry section :blush: )

i agree that you don't necessarily need to use correct english while writing a poem....in quite a lotof the poems tolkien wrote in forms of elvish he used an irregular form of words to get the meter right and stuff.

are you sure that you aren't a native speaker of english? lol

[Tar-Ancalimë]

aye yep... another suggestion i have might be 'paling' .... but catz is right, everyone should listen to her ;)

[Andal]

thank you for the suggestions.

i think i will change it to 'pallid' (i didnt know the word) because it has the same meaning like 'pale'. 'palest' is a bit too much. and 'paling' ... is this the act of being pale? my dictionary identifies this as a kind of fence ...

but, catz, i think a poem HAS to be concerned with rules and forms. its a kind of higher language that unites both a lyrical idea and the ideal form of its representation. that does not mean you have to have rhymes or so. but just writing down a nice thought is not enough - in my opinion. the language itself, the medium, should be enjoyable, too.

breaking a rule has to correspond with the idea. thats what you can do after mastering the rules. but - i think - you should NEVER break with them just because its too difficult to follow them. face the challenge. i experienced writing a poem mostly as a matter of patience.

oh my, i hope this sounds not too much like a lesson or something. but thats what i think.

Andal

[Tar-Ancalimë]

'in paling light' would be simply be light that is paling... the verb... dunno about the fence lol

ah well dont diss free verse to catz, i tried that once... i still have the claw marks to prove it :p

(ps i agree with you.. but ill never tell the kitty)

[Catz]

oh i agree that a rule should never be broken simply thu laziness or ignorance........but i feel that a rule shouldnt stand in the way of a thought or emotion in poetry.....and that if that thought or emotion is better served by breaking the rule, then by all means break it.......language is the servant......not the master
:catz:

[Bonos-Girl]

a fence...lol...brilliant!!

[Frodo's Love]

Andal, that's a brilliant and strong poem!
It sends shivers down my spine...
(...and welcome to the forums! :wave: )

[Lady of Mirkwood]

stop bothering the girl.:nono: lol
i understand you Andal.you know i speak spanish dont think that i speak spanish mixed with english (i hate it)
and because of that sometimes i don´t write very well.:grin:
Its all right.

[A! Elbereth]

No matter what could be changed, I loved this!!! I am inspired to write another poem!!!!!

Wonderful writing!!! :grin: