Back to Cooking with Frodo…
Julia, our chef extraordinaire, is standing over a rather bloody, naked, carcass of Frodo that is laid out on the counter. She is smoking a cheep cigar and a huge meat cleaver dangles from her right hand. Her apron bears even more stains than before, most obviously fresh. Someone off camera catches her attention and says something that we can’t hear…
Julia <in a deep rumbling troll voice>: What? What? I’m on? I’M ON!?!
Julia drops the cigar and quickly crushes it out, and quickly adjusts herself while clearing her throat.
Julia <falsetto English accent>: Heeeellllllllooooooo!!! And welcome back to my kitchen. Unfortunately I had to start without you all. The producers and censors don’t think it’s appropriate to show the bloodletting and gut removal of things on this show, so I’ll just have to describe them to you. First of all, you have to wack of their naughty bits!
<Julia emphasizes this point by smacking her cleaver into the counter where it sticks tight, and the handle quivers>.
Julia: <aside> After all, it isn’t like the little bugger ever used them before, or will again for that manner.
Julia: After that, you just open him up like any thing else and take out all the guts. Be sure to save the heart, liver and lungs. You can make a nice hobbit-blood pudding as well, but if you would rather have blood sausage, make sure you save those intestines! Gutting a hobbit is hard work, so when you’ve finished be sure to treat yourself to another sniff of port.
Julia knocks back a good portion of the bottle of port in one swig and wipes her mouth with the back of her hand.
Julia: Now, one of the hardest things to deal with when cooking hobbits is all that unsightly hair! To take care of that problem I’m going to let you in on a little secret that not only removes hair, but makes a rather nice glaze as well.
Julia reaches beneath the counter and returns with a 5 gallon bucket which she drops on the counter with a large ‘thud’. The label on the bucket reads Nads.
Julia: That’s right lassies! Not only will this rid us of all that hair, but it’s all-natural as well. Since it consists mostly of honey and molasses with a touch of lemon, it is also a wonderful glaze.
Julia smears copious amounts of Nads over the carcass and lays a large sheet over it. With a quick jerk she pulls off the sheet revealing a hairless body and displays the sheet. The front of the sheet is covered in hair, which makes a prefect shadow of a hobbit.
Julia: Now, if you’re the Martha Stewart type, you can either take all that hair and knit yourself a nice little cozy or just frame it and call it Shadow of a Hobbit! Either way, nothing goes to waste!
Julia: The next step is the stuffing. I prefer a nice breaded garlic and onion sage stuffing myself, which we have going in this skillet over here. Start by sautéing your garlic and onions with a bit of celery and then add the breading, two eggs, 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano, 1/2 teaspoon dried thyme, 1 teaspoon sage, salt and pepper to taste, and of course, the all important cup of dwarf broth for that exotic taste. Once the stuffing is prepared you just cram it all into the empty torso of our little friend.
Julia gleefully stuffs the hobbit with the homemade stuffing.
Julia: Now, there are two ways of displaying our hobbit while roasting. The first it the ‘turkey truss’, similar to the holiday turkey for roasting. Just like this:
Julia flips the carcass onto its front side and brings the arms and legs up behind it’s back and lashes all four extremities together.
Julia: Personally, I prefer the ‘roast pig look’, so were going to do that instead.
Julia tucks the arms and legs beside the hobbit and aligns the head so it resembles a roast sucking pig, and pops an apple into it’s mouth.
Julia: Next, we apply a heavy glaze.
Julia slathers the carcass with a copious amount of Nads.
Julia: And finally it’s into a nice 450F oven with our hobbit. Baste with it’s own juices about every twenty minutes and be sure to save the drippings to make a wonderful gravy. Will be back with the finished hobbit for serving after this….