Death Match ME: Galadriel vs. Arwen

[Orc]

By request, I have dredged up some of my first humerous works - the infamous Death Matches Of Middle Earth. This was my first attempt at humerous writting, and it shows. I've cleaned it up a bit to avoid the censors and what not, but otherwise haven't tampered with it much. My most humble apologies to Ronin in advance. If you don't catch the refrences.... it's a long story. If you are really curious just ask Catz;)

Death Match ME: Galadriel vs. Arwen

Ugolgrist: We're here today to witness the greatest fight since Gandalf smoked the Balrog in Moria!

Grishnákh: That's right Ugolgrist! Galadriel has challenged the young upstart Arwen to a death match here in the pits of Isengard

Ugolgrist: Yep, we're the only ones who can guarantee a fair fight. Saruman has decreed that this fight be held in the mud pit along side the armory and that our combatants are robed in white g-strings. The winner goes free and the loser stays for dinner.

Grishnákh: I don't care who wins I got dibs on dark meat!

Ugolgrist (laughing): We'll see what we can do about that, now lets go down to Wilber the Cave Troll who's officiating:

Wilber: Now pretty ladies, you can do absolutely anything you want to each other, no holds bared, any weapon you find you can used, and only one woman leaves the ring. Now, LET'S GET IT ON!

*Ronin runs around the ring clad only in a tutu and 6in stiletto heels holding a large sign labeled Round one*

Grishnákh: By the Balrog's hairy balls, what the @#&$ is that!!!!!

Ugolgrist <aside>: last time we tried this with Legolas and a hordette of fangirls mobbed the scene. It was uglier than a pimple on the underside of Golumn. This is the best we could get on short notice.

Grishnákh: OK sports fans, we're going to have to break for commercial, but we'll be back with the exciting action here at Death Match in Isengard!

[Orc]

Commercial

This Death Match has been brought to you by:


The Eagle Express

when it absolutely, positively has to get to the top of Isengard!

[Orc]

Grishnákh: Welcome back sports and elf stomping fans! We're back to the fight. Oh @#$& what is that nut case doing now?

*Ronin does a little ballet dance in the middle of the mud pit*

Ugolgrist (aside): He's doing a request for the fangirls as entertainment while we break for commercials

Grishnákh (aside): Well, he damn well better turn in his man card if he's going to keep this up.

Ugolgrist: Ok, so Ronin is out of the pit and it looks like we're ready to begin. Let's go ringside with Uglúk to give everyone the low down on the setup for tonight’s event. Uglúk?

Uglúk: Thanks Orc. I'm standing here next to the ring, deep within the pits of Isengard. We've filled the ring with one foot of mud, and to make things interesting, we've hidden numerous items within the mud pit that the elves can use on each other. I've even heard a rumor that Sting and one of the daggers of the Dark Riders may be here! Back to you Ugolgrist

Ugolgrist: Thanks Uglúk! The ring is clear and Saruman looks like he's going to ring the bell for the first round!

bell: ding ding ding

Grishnákh: And we're off! The elf maids are circling each other trying to get a feel for their footing and see if they come across any of the goodies we've planted in the mud.

Ugolgrist: So far the only thing we've seen down their is flinging insults - so much for the first born race!

Arwen: harlet!

Galadriel: call girl!

Arwen: spinster!

Galadriel: at least I date within the same race!

Arwen: Yea!?! Well, I didn’t see your lover boy having any lines in the movie!

Crowd: <yawn>

Saruman: <cleans his finger nails>

Galadriel: You little half-breed!

Arwen: At least I'm not sleeping with a dwarf!

Celiborn: <looks confused and lost>

Gimli: <blushes>

*with a scream, Galadriel leaps forward and slaps Arwen's face with her right hand. Arwen spins 360 to face Galadriel again, only to be slaped by Galadirel's left hand and sent spinning another 360 degrees in the opposite direction*

Ugolgrist: Finally, some real action down there!

Grishnákh: Now that's what I call being "***** slapped"!

Crowd: HUZAH!

*Arwen pushes Galadriel, who slips and falls into the mud. Galadriel comes up sputtering grasping a small sword in her hand*

Ugolgrist: Look out! It looks like Galadriel found the first item of the evening. What do you think it is Grishnákh?

Grishnákh: It appears to be... no IT IS... she's got Sting, the elf forged short sword wielded by both Bilbo and Frodo!

*Galadriel jumps up and grabs Arwen by the hair and spins her around and to her knees while placing her foot in the center of Arwen's back*

Galadriel: Let's see how your little mortal lover boy likes you without hair! *Galadriel slashes though Arwen's hair while pushing her face down into the mud. Galdriel tosses Sting aside and struts around the ring holding the harily scalp of Arwen aloft as a prize.*

Arwen: *reeling in pain she searches through the mud looking for anything she can come up with. She finds a small package wrapped in green leaves, she quickly openes it*

Grishnákh: (laughing) Lembas! She's got a package of lembas. Now that's pretty useless.

Ugolgrist: We'll have to see about that. That stuff can be pretty dangerous in the right hands.

*Arwen tackles the parading Galadriel, and both elves slide through the mud*

Crowd: HUZAH!!!!!

*Arwen comes up and top astride Galadriel*

Arwen: Eat this grandma! *Arwen crams cake after cake into Galadriel's mouth*

bell: ding ding ding

*Wilber tossed both elves back into their corners*

Grishnákh: Talk about being saved by the bell!

Ugolgrist: It took a while for them to get going, but this looks like it just might be a hell of a fight! We'll be back with round two of the fight of the ages!

Fangirls: (chanting) Ronin, Ronin, Ronin

Grishnákh: I can't believe what I'm seeing

*Ronin makes his appearance in the mud pit and starts dancing disco to "staying alive"*

Grishnákh: What the hell is next? YMCA?

Ugolgrist: *smacks Ugluk upside head* Don't give him any ideas! We'll be back after these messages from our sponsor

[Orc]

commercial

Having problems with your upstairs neighbors?

*image of female orc in apron nodding her head*

Tired of dwarves mining above you all day long?

*Image of dwarves pounding on stone walls with picks and hammers*
*image of female orc in apron nodding her head*

Tired of late night parties on your ceiling?

*Image of elves and dwarves parting wildly - Elrond is in the corner with a lampshade over his head shouting, "Look, I'm an Ent!"
*Image of male orc wearing nightcap and female orc in gown in bed nodding*


Then call 1-800-kill-elf. That's right, 1-800-kill-elf and I, the mighty Melkor, will send a Balrog to your location to take care of those annoying neighbors

*image of balrog stomping snot out of elves and dwarves*

Call now! Operators are standing by!

Melkor not responsible for collateral damage casued by balrog. Note, some balrogs may take up residence after removing unwanted neighbors

[Orc]

Grishnákh: <head buried in hands> I don't want to look, is he done yet?

*Ronin prances around edge of ring holding up sign labeled Round 2 *

Ugolgrist: Hullo!?! What's this!?!

*Haldar shoves Ronin and grabs the sign from him. He starts parading around the ring to the boos of the fangirls. Suddenly a huge bolder smashes him off the ring leaving the sign to Ronin. The camera pans to the armory where Catz is innocently standing next to a just - fired catapult. Ronin finishes his parade*

Grishnákh: <peeking over his hands> Thank god that over! That guy just gives me the creeps! Good to be back though. Last round started slow, but I'm guessing our mud covered vixens are going to come out full bore this round!

Ugolgrist: I'm with you there! This will probably turn into a battle of youth and skill vs. age and treachery. Should be fun. Here’s the bell!

bell: ding ding ding

*both elves begin circling each other. Suddenly Galadriel holds up her right hand, and a bright light emits from her middle finger*

Galadirel: By the power of the woods, I command you!

*One of the trees that some hobbit fans are sitting on suddenly animates and leaps into the ring. It grabs Arwen by both arms and legs and begins pulling in four different directions. Arwen screams - Galadriel laughs*

Grishnákh: Holy S@$#! Can she do that!?!

Ugolgrist: I don't think so. The rules state they can use anything they find in the ring - Galadriel brought the ring with her. Let's see what Saruman has to say.

Saruman:*gives thumbs down and nods to Wilber*

*Wilber the cave troll strides over Galadriel and grabs her right hand. With a quick swipe of his mighty maw he bites off Galadriel's ring finger and spits it up to Sauraman*

Grishnákh: Yee-ouch! That's got to sting! She gets to join Frodo in the nine fingers club!

Ugolgrist: Not only was that a good call, but Saruman gets another ring. Major score for Isengard!

*Meanwhile, Arwen wiggles free of the now inanimate tree and starts digging through the mud while Galadriel writhes in pain on the floor and comes up with something*

Grishnákh: What's she got there? Looks like a whip of some sort.

Ugolgrist: Not just any whip, that's a cat-o-nine-tails, a favorite of some balrogs. This should turn things up a notch!

Arwen: You've heard of the scourge of the Shire, now see the scourging of Galadriel *She begins savagely thrashing the snot out of Galadriel, sending blood and flesh flying*

*Galadriel desperately claws at the mud while being thrashed and comes up with.....*

Ugolgrist and Grishnákh: THE MACE OF SAURON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Crowd: OOOHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

*with one swipe of the mace, Galadriel sends Arwen soaring over the head of the crowd, where she makes a rather satisfying splat when she hits a wall, followed by a squeak as she slides down it*

Crowd: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugolgrist: Now, that HAS to hurt. But it looks like she's still moving and is still in this fight.

Bell: ding ding ding

Grishnákh: That's round two! Quick break to commercial.....

*Ronin starts singing and dancing some Nsink number*

Grishnákh: Awww ****. To late.

Ugolgrist: OK fans, time to break for another commercial. Be sure to tune in for the final round of this incredible fight to the death!!

Grishnákh: <aside> hey..... the fangirls are on to something! That Ronin guy has a nice tush on him.....

[Orc]

commercial

*backdrop of wondrous fireworks*

*a hobbit in an incredibly cheezy Gandalf costume about two sizes too big shouts*

Come on down to Big G Fireworks!!!!! We've got everything you could ever want! Snap Bangs! Flares! Smoking Worms! We've even got the infamous Mt. Doom Fountain that spouts great gobs of colored fire! Great for parties, celebrations, birthdays, victories, anniversaries, and lots more!

Just head north from Moria, turn left at Rivendel and follow the road through Bree until you hit the Shire. We're just past the old mill on the pond. You can't miss us!!!!!

And remember:

If your fireworks don't have a G on them, they ain't GREAT!!!!!

[Orc]

Ugolgrist: Welcome back for round three sports fans! We're still here in the mighty pits of Isengard, witnessing the greatest fight since the battle of five armies!

Grishnákh: <watching Ronin, through binoculars, parade around ring with a Round 3 sign> You go boy!!!!

Ugolgrist: <looks confused> yeeeeeaaaaaaaa sure....... Let's get this thing started.

Bell: ding ding ding

Ugolgrist: Here we go! The elves are wasting no time this round, both are digging though the mud, and it's a race to see who will come up with a weapon first.

*Arwen comes up with a club*

Grishnákh: Looks like Arwen has the drop on Galadriel!

*Arwen winds ups and smacks Galadriel sending her sliding through the mud across the ring.*

Ugolgrist: Hey, it looks like Galadriel may have found something as well!

*Galadriel picks up a round ball*

Grishnákh: Look out! Galadirel's got a Palantir!

Ugolgrist: I sure as hell hope that's not Saruman’s! Man, is he going to be cheesed off!!!

*Galadriel hurls the Palantir at Arwen smacking her full in the face. Arwen falls into the mud stunned. Galadriel charges, but suddenly trips over something large in the mud*

Grishnákh: Is that an anvil?

Ugolgrist: I believe it is! It's the anvil upon which the One Ring was forged.

Gimli <standing on ropes along edge of ring>: Use the anvil!!!!

*Wilber the cave troll referee grabs Gimli by his beard and tosses him back into the crowd*

Gimli: <defiant> NOBODY TOSSES A DWARF!!!!!!!

Crowd: <chants> toss the dwarf, toss the dwarf, toss the dwarf

*Gimli is body passed to the back of the crowd where he is dumped screaming into a very deep pit*

*Galadriel lifts the anvil high above her head, ready to crush the stunned Arwen. Suddenly the room darkens and Galadriel is illuminated by a eerie blue light*

Galadriel: <shouting> In place of a dark lord you will have a dark queen!!!!! All shall love me and DESPAIR!!!!!!!!!!

*Arwen suddenly comes to her senses and grabs through the mud finding a broken sword with the name Narsil engraved on it*

Arwen: DESPAIR THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Arwen stuggles to her knees and drives the broken blade of Narsil to the hilt in the abdomen of Galadriel. Galadriel releases a horrifying scream like a banshee and drops the anvil on Arwen's head. Arwen is crushed beneath the anvil and moves no more. Galadriel collapses upon her fallen foe*

Galadriel: I pass the test. I will diminish and go into the west and remain Galadriel. <Galadriel expires>

Crowd <stunned silence>

Ugolgrist: Whoa! I didn't see that one coming at all!!!!

Orcs in Crowd: SOUPS ON!!!!!!!!!

Grishnákh: What a fight! That's one that will go down in the history books!

Ugolgrist: Thanks for joining us sports fans!

Grishnákh: <aside> do you think Ronin can squeel like a pig?

Ugolgrist: <aside> WHAT!?!

Grishnákh: gotta get me some of that boy.... < Grishnákh leaves looking for Ronin>

Ugolgrist: <slighly scared>OOOOOOOHHHHHH KAAAAAYYYYYYY........

Ugolgrist: Tune in next week when we've got another exciting pair of matches for you. First off is Smaug vs. Nsink - gaurenteed to be a pretty short fight. And our prime event: Three trolls that have spent the last 60 years as stone take up a grudge match with a hobbit and a bunch of dwarves! Remeber to keep your sword sharp, and you wit dry! This is Orc, saying good night! Good night!

[Illuvatar]

Whoo Hoo!!! roflmao roflmao roflmao roflmao roflmao roflmao

What can I say Orcy Ole boy, but THANKS!!

You da man!!notworthy notworthy notworthy

Another well written story worthy of song and praise!!

Looking forward to the next installment!:cool:

[Catz]

oh god Orc....id forgotten just how funny that was.......*slumps in the corner fanning herself and wiping tears of laughter from her eyes* FABULOUS m'man, just fabulous.....roflmao roflmao roflmao
:catz:

[Lady Arien]

It gets better every time you read it, doesn't it ?!?

*wiping tears flowing from eyes and trying to catch her breath*

...poor Ronin....he'll NEVER be able redeem his reputation now!!!

[Ilmarë]

You mean..... he HAS a reputation??????????????????:elfeek:

:elfqueen:

[Lady Arien]

I didn't say it was a good one.....

muahahahahahaha!!!

[Catz]

lol lol
thats our lil' fanboy ;) :naughty: lol

[Nessa]

oh,dear! That was rather hilarious..I would rather have seen Arwen bite it, but hey, there could be a next time, you just never know, now where is Ronin?;)

[Ilmarë]

Remember Catz... i'll be expecting you to keep a close eye on our li'l fanboy while i'm away. Don't hurt him..... too much.......... he'll enjoy it WAY too much;)

Maybe a short spell in the dungeon with the loop tape....and the wig...... just for good measure, eh??:naughty:

See you when i return, sister-in-arms!!! I'll miss ya:grin:

:elfqueen:

[Catz]

i shall do that Ilm.....my pleasure....after all Fanboy control has always been my specialty :elfeek: ;) , thos hes not back for a few more days.....Hmph, youre off on holiday.....Ronins off for a week....and im still stuck here mecry lol
:catz:

[Arwen, Elven Princes]

Very,very funny. GREAT!

Ronin, just curious, are in league with ballet or something? no offence... just wondering...

[Lady Melody]

This is simply hilarious!

[Ghâsh]

Hilarious! Loved that one XD

[Dawnnamira Nerwen]

I love it! Can't wait for more!!!

GO ORC!!!
Dawn :elfqueen:

[Alatar]

wow that was a great fight lol!!

[Saruman]

That was hilarious! I look forward to more like this!