Modern LOTR

[Elfdaughter]

Okay, here's how to play:
Think of a scene in any LOTR movie, and add something modern to it.
Two diff ways it can be played:
1) You can write how a LOTR character would act in the Modern World,
OR
2) Bring something modern into LOTR

EXAMPLE:

Sam: "PO-TAY-TOES...."

Gollum: "Golden Sunshine, or red skinned?"


Aragorn: You swore you would bind yourself to me.
Arwen: Yeah, but that's when I was into S&M. Now I'm more of a wait-till-you're-married kind of chick.
Aragorn: That's it then. It's over. (strides away) But this isn't the last of me!
Arwen: Yeah, well, just wait till I get a restraining order!

Aragorn: This is beyond my skill to heal, he needs Elvish medicine.
Sam: But we're six days from Rivendell!
Aragorn: That's cool, I got Nike cross-trainers!

(Ok, that so sounded better in my head.)

Legolas: They run as if the whips of their master was behind them (paraphrased :p)

Gimli: Just wait 'til the union hears about it. They should get paid time and a half or strike

[Elfdaughter]

Just thought of a couple more...

Gandalf: You cannot pass! *brandishes Uzi*

Frodo: Gandalf!

Aragorn: (Holding up walkie-talkie) *Scchrrtt* Bravo one, pull back, I repeat, pull back. *Scchrrtt*

Gandalf: I'm a member of the SAS, wielder of the M16! The flamethrower will never avail you, Flame of Udun!

The balrog blasts a jet of flame, but Gandalf activates his heat-deflecting charm from his staff.

Gandalf: (Arming C4) You - Shall Not - Pass!

Gandalf throws the C4 below the Balrog, and the bridge explodes. The balrog acts fast, however, and fires a grappling hook, latching on to Gandalf.

Gandalf: Run, you dumbasses!

He falls.

Frodo: NOO!!!

Boromir: Go go go!

Aragorn stands, bewildered. Finally, he comes to his senses and runs. He whips out the walkie-talkie and turns it on.

Aragorn: *Scchrrtt* Bravo company, Bravo one is down. I repeat, Bravo one is down. Regroup outside for first aid. *Scchrrtt*

Legolas: *Scchrrtt* Roger, Bravo two. Sad day isn't it? *Scchrrtt*

Aragorn: *Scchrrtt* Yes.. a sad day. *Scchrrtt*


Arwen: The light of the Evenstar does not wax and wane—
Aragorn: How come?
Arwen: Energizer batteries.

[TheRingBearer]

lol lol They're so funny. lol

I'm really bad at thinking of any. I'll hopefully get back to you with that.

[Illuvatar]

Oh jeez! Those are hysterical! roflmao

I will try to come up with some as well! :p

[Elfdaughter]

:blush: thanks!

[Galadriel]

I really like them. There soo funny lol lol

[Galadhrim]

OMG, energizer batteries!!!!! roflmao roflmao roflmao roflmao roflmao
Priceless... lol :thumbs:

[Alatar]

lolroflmao hell funny manlol:thumbs:

[Gatsby]

i love the walkie talkie lines... roflmao
out
gatsby

[Sindarin]

lol Absolutely hilarious, Elfdaughter. lol

I'm going to try and think up some today and post them tonight. roflmao

[Ithielnor]

Love the energizer batteries ED. lol

Frodo: What food do we have left?
Sam: Well let's see.... lembas. And look! More lembas.
Frodo: Bugger!! How far to the next supply drop?

[Little Devil]

Aragon with a sick Frodo, to Rivendell. 'Rivendell, we have problem'

Merry 'Tomatoes, sausages and some nice crispy bacon'
Frodo: You fools, never heard of pizza?'

[Elfdaughter]

lol! Like them!

[Elfdaughter]

[Scene: Bilbo and Gandalf blowing smoke rings and ships]


Scrolling on the foot of the screen in nice big letters:


SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Pipeweed smoking can be hazardous to your health and has been associated with pedicular hirsutism ("Foot Hair"), feliniform auricles ("Pointed Ears") and stunted growth ("Shortness").


Sign in Bilbo's front Garden:

Vote YES on referendum # 3209

LEGALIZE PIPEWEED!


]www.doors-of-Mória.com by Dúrin@dead.beyond.all.hope

Type username and password and <ENTER>

<In Orthanc, Saruman raises his hand menacingly over the dark Palantir. >
SARUMAN(smugly): The power of Isengard is at your command, Sauron, Lord of the Earth.
<The Palantir remains black. Saruman clears his throat and tries again.>
SARUMAN: The POWER of Isengard is at your COMMAND, Sauron, Lord of the EARTH...
<A ghostly message floats up out of the Palantir:

"Error: Can't Find Palantir--
The Palantir may no longer exist or it may have moved. Restart your Palantir, sign back on to the darktower.net service, and try again."

Merry : My tomato's burst

Pippin : Could I have some bacon?

Merry : Want a tomato Sam?

Frodo : What are you doing?

Merry : Tomatoes, sausages, nice crispy bacon. Want some?

Frodo : Ugh! We've been eating those for days! Nah, I ordered in some special skewered kebabs.

Nazgul : screeeeeeeee!!!!

Frodo : Ah, there they are. I heard they're pretty good with flaming specials

Weak, and bad. But it's all I have right now!

[HobbitFriend]

roflmao they are FAR from bad!!! lol i especially liked the palantir one!

[Elfdaughter]

Ahh, thanks!
Been looking at politically correct stuff and legal stuff at school lately:

Rosie slaps Ted Sandyman with a lawsuit alleging sexual harrassment.

Merry spills his guts about what it's really like travelling with the Fellowship on Jerry Springer Show.

Gandalf gets millions after suing the dwarves for failing to put up adequate warning signs in the Mines of Moria. \

The ASPCA (RSPCA) investigates the alleged mistreatment of the Balrog.

Frodo was actually wrapping up that fruitcake as a recycled Christmas gift for Gandalf to take with him to Isengard. ta dum dum

Celeborn isn't dumb - he favours different types of intellectualization.


Galadrien isn't nuclear - she lights up your life.


Frodo isn't short - he fails to reach the statistical height interval proposed by the Middle-earth Society of Pediatricians.


Gandalf isn't white - he is darkness-impaired.


There is no Bill the Pony - there is only Bill the Horse Whose Height is Not a Defining Feature of the Person He Really Is.


Sauron isn't evil - he's misunderstood, underpriviledged and unloved as a child.

[Elfdaughter]

Oh, and just a quickie..

[Scene, walking through the Midgewater Marshes, where Merry is being attacked by bugs.]

[Voice over]
Don't you hate those muggy days walking through the lands of Middle-Earth when it seems every bug in existance is swarming around you. Frett no longer, young Hobbits, for there is an answer - Off!(TM) will repell insects (and your frends) for hours of marsh trudging relief!

[In rapid speech]
May cause irritation around eyes, do not spray directly into eyes. Wash hands before consumption of any type of food - regardless of what meal. If ingested, drink large quantities of milk and call a doctor, medicine healer, or an Istari. No gaurantee that product will actually work.

[Elfdaughter]

Frodo hears Gandalf singing as he enters Hobbiton...
Gandalf: It's my life, it's now or never, I ain't gonna live forever, I just wanna live my life alive... My heart is like an open highway, like Manwe said I DID IT MY WAY... I just wanna live my life alive.... IT'S - MY - LIFE!

This one is with a credit to Warcraft III:
Sauron needs to get DSL. His palantir is always busy!

Sam: We're six days from Rivendell. He’ll never make it!
Aragorn : Well, we could wrap him up and send him via UPS. They guaranteed 24 hr delivery don't they? Bill's on you Sam.

Legolas: Lembas. [unwraps and holds up a square piece of lembas bread] One bite is enough to fill the stomach of a grown man. [takes a bite, flashes big cheesy smile] Available to order now! Just call the number at the bottom of your screen. [1-800-ELF-BREAD scrolls across the screen] Act now and we'll throw in free leaf wrappings to keep your lembas nice and fresh. Don't forget - just one bite will fill the stomach of a grown man. [turns to Pippin] And what do you think of lembas?
Pippin: Why it's delicious! [belches]
I'd go on, but I'm laughing too hard. lol

[Frodo's Love]

OMG!!! Priceless!!!!
roflmao

[HobbitFriend]

roflmao ... gotta love that Lembas Commercial! haha and i liked the "politically correct" ones too! haha sometimes our government can be so stupid! It justs reminds me of that M&M commercial: (many different things come by with their politically correct names, then the Red M&M..) "I am not a 'plain' M&M... I am a milk chocolate M&M." ...same great taste, now with the politically correct name." aawe... anyway, back to LotR ;)

Aragorn: Sam, do you know the Athelas plant? - Kingsfoil.
Sam: Kingsfoil? That's a weed!
Aragorn: Shh! I know... I've been trying to quit, but man, that stuff's addicting!

(hehe, not too good, but i'll keep thinking ;) )

[Tar-Ancalimë]

LOL these are so funny. i just read all of them and cracked up. lol roflmao

[Rumil]

Frodo: It's some form of Elvish I cannot read it

Gandalf: There are few who can, the language is that of Mordor which I shall not utter here, in the common tongue it says
"Made in Mordor. This is not a toy. Choking Hazard."
******
Frodo: But.. but I thought you said that the fall of Gil-Galad was a long age ago?

Elrond: Well ...... durrh
******
Frodo is gazing into Galadriel's Mirror

Frodo (as if reading): 'Pisces, now is a good time to iron out some differences at work. Monday's new moon should see you in a better frame of mind and poisonned by a large evil spider creature....
******

[Sindarin]

CELEBORN: (to Fellowship) Though you have been our guests, I'm afraid we much charge you for all those long-distance phone calls you made last night.
****
GIMLI: Tell me, Legolas, why did I come on this Quest?
LEGOLAS: I believe it was the health benefits.
****
(...and now an important message from the Middle Earth Visitor's Bureau)

FRODO: I feel ready for anything, but most of all I should like to go walking today and explore the valley....

....Hello, I'm Frodo Baggins, and I'm here to tell you about an exciting, limited-time proposal from the Rivendell Tourist Center.

If you call 1-800-IMLADRIS, you'll have the opprotunity to reserve a one week time-share vacation package at the House of Elrond for only 125 Silver Pieces, a 140 Gold Piece value.

But act now, because unlike Arwen's love for Aragorn, this offer won't last forever.

[Gatsby]

LOVE the last line lol
out
gatz

[Galadriel]

lol these are sooo funny

[SindarinGirl]

Galadriel takes out a restraining order against Gimli so he can't come within 200 yards of Lothlorien, after the hair-collecting incident. The court also orders him to seek psychiatric help for his obsession.

Boromir sneaks to Galadriel's mirror after she and Fodo depart the glade, trying to get the Playboy Channel. :naughty:

[Rumil]

Frodo: And it is said : 'Go not to the elves for counsel, because they charge by the minute and their fees are exhorbitant'
Gildor: Really ..... that'll be $800, how do you want to pay?

[Winyaél Greenleaf]

ARAGORN: Gimli, where is the king?
[Aragorn encounter Legolas.]
LEGOLAS: Le ab-dollen. [Translation: "You’re late."] You look terrible, dude! Want some pimple concealer? Eye liner? Hair curlers? You might as well get a make-over at the Mirkwood Beauty Parlor opened by yours truly. 30% discount for first-timers!

[Rumil]

Frodo comes round in Rivendell..
Gandalf: By the skills of Lord Elrond you are beginning to mend
Elrond (wearing ER outfit and carrying a clip board) : Now Mr Baggins about your insurance...

[Elfdaughter]

lol Those are brilliant! I've been having a think...
[outside of Moria]


Sam, Merry, and Pippen are on the ground crying after Gandlaf has fallen. Aragorn and Boromir and Legolas stand, looking sad. Tears roll down Frodo'd cheeks.

[voive-over]

Are you feeling down? has someone just fallen into the pit of doom? Try Kleenex tissues, for all your teary needs!


Newspaper Ad: Suaron's rent a beast for Nazgul. Lost your horse, foiled again? Well, we have the solution! We not only have the finest selection of black horses in ME (nailed hoofs included!) but also we would like to introduce our brand new selection of flying beasts! These high powered beasts are not a statment of style but also allows a discerning Nazgul to ride far above all tiose annoying floods and flames. Come take a test drive today and get a free corpse on us (no purchase nesesary)! We are located coviently in Mordor.. just look for our sign.... the big flaming eye..you can't miss it.

Gangs of Middle Earth - Featuring everyone on, well, ME.
Road to Barad-dur: Featuring Frodo, Sam and Gollum.
The Matrix: Featuring the Fellowship. And Agent Elrond.
Haldir Potter: Featuring Haldir.

Frodo: What's the Elvish word for "friend"?
Gandalf: Mellon...
(the doors open. Frodo does the Funky Chicken of I'm-Smarter-Than-the-Wizard)
Frodo: I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T!... I mean, S-M-A-R-T!
(a la Simpsons)



Ever wonder what other movies would look like if they were slashed with LotR and produced babies?...for example:

Dude, where' s my Ring: in which Frodo and Sam wake up to find that the Ring is gone and Faramir has ordered 500 pizzas from Mordor under the fake name Smokey McPot and refuses to pay for them.

Merry and Pippin's Excellent Adventure: in which the Ents totally lay waste to Isengard

The Rocky Hobbit Picture Show: in which Frodo and Sam are drawn to a strange castle where Gandalf wears garters and tries to send them into outer space.

and

Y tu Hobbit Tambien: in which Galadriel shows up and takes Frodo and Sam to the beach.
I can't take credit for this, I saw this on someone's livejournal and decided to post it. ...Okay, you can give me credit for it. Just kidding.lol

[Nessa the Dancer]

lol
I love the kleenex one Elfdaughter!

[Little Devil]

lol, I just read them all and they're so funny. roflmao

[Winyaél Greenleaf]

Loved the kleenex one too!

[Elleth]

These are great!! Especially the kleenex one! lol lol

[Elfdaughter]

aah, thanks! :blush: lol (Oh, El, your sig...isn't it 'a han nostron ned gwilith'?)

[Scene cuts in to Frodo trying to look into Galadriel's mirror]

Voice-Over: A chair high enough, 5 gold pieces.

[Frodo isn't high enough to look into the mirror. An elf appears and hands a chair to him.]

V/O: A look into Galadriel's mirror, 20 gold pieces.

[Frodo peers into the mirror. After a while, his expression changes from placid to shock.]

V/O: Accidently catching Aragorn in the shower, priceless.

[Camera cuts to Aragorn showering while singing 'May It Be' with a disgusting flasetto]

[Camera then cuts to Frodo losing his balance out of shock and falling onto the floor.]

V/O: There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's MasterCard.

*******

Can't resist the pull of this thread... Must... Stay... Away...

It's getting heavier, I'm going around in circles, I sound like Gollum...



Too late.



Had to pop back on and add:


Spielberg in Blockbuster mode - "Jurassic Park 4: The Middle World"


Where the Pterodactyl-like Fellbeastassorus nazgulii and the Urukus ulgyus saurumanii wreak havoc on the idilic tropical paradise of Isla Gondora, by running amok.

The underlying theme is that nobody should play Ilúvatar and try to genetically engineer new or extinct creatures.


Catchphrase:

Every time the wing of a Fellbeastassaur flutters, ripples can be seen in the water of the mirror of Galadriel.

[Galadriel]

Lol got to love the mastercard one

[HobbitFriend]

roflmao the mastercard one! ah! omg, i can soo.... see that! lol

[orcslayerlotr]

Frodo Now with his Finger just bitten off by Gollum

Sam: Well I guess that is the end of that old stinker.

Frodo: I might be able to help him before he hits bottom. Deep deep doo deep deep doo doo doo deep: This is the operator please hang up and try again, Oh Bracegirdle, I was trying to call in the police to go into mount doom to see if he is alive but the recieption is no good up here, My finger really hurts Sam.

Sam: Well when we get back to Minis Tirith maybe Elrond can sergically attach a new one on Mr. Frodo.

Frodo: I don't know Sam, Oh look its Gandalf in a helicopter

Gandalf: Get in quick the Easterings have a radar system the might try to shoot us down.

Frodo:(action) Falls asleep

Frodo: (action) awakes, Where Am I

Gandalf: In Minis Tirith the War Of the Ring is over now and there is one thing..

Frodo: hold on a minite I have to check tell my friends somthing on line
Sound:.. Beep.. Logged in www.waroffthering.net

Frodo: Oh look im on this cool website in this forum about modern stories and look what I found

[HobbitFriend]

((hehe yah, you can always hit "edit" if it's 15 minutes or less after you posted ;) )) lol that was funny! "Here comes Gandalf in the helicopter!" hehe

At the Council of Elrond:
Frodo: I will take the Ring! Though, i do not know the way.
Elrond: well get a map for heaven's sake! What do I look like, your personal travel agent?!

[Galadriel]

lol hehe These are so funny

[Miruvor]

Frodo at the mirror:

"I don't like this show Galadi, what did you do with the remote?"

On Weathertop:

Merry 'Tomatoes, sausages and some nice crispy bacon'
Sam: 'We saved some for you Mr. Frodo'
Frodo: 'What? Are you trying to give me a heart attack?'

[HobbitFriend]

Merry and Pippin are walking down the street (present time) and spot a McDonald's.
Pippin: Merry, look! Food!
Merry (reading sign): "fast food." What d'ya suppose that means?
Pippin: *tilts head* do you think the food moves? Maybe you're supposed to catch it first. Ya know, i once chased a pig across Farmer Maggot's farm and his dogs w-
Merry: Pippin!
Pippin: Oh, sorry. I'm hungry! Let's go in! Maybe they've got mushrooms!
Cashier: No shirt, no shoes, no service.
Merry: What?
Pippin: I'm hungry. Where's the food? Merry... I don't think we're in the right place. I don't see any food running around.
Cashier (points to sign): No shirt, no SHOES, no service.
*Manager walks over*
Manager: What's the problem here?
Pippin: I'm hungry.
Merry: I don't see any food... it says fast food...
Cashier and Manager in unison: NO SHOES, NO SERVICE!

*Merry and Pippin get thrown outside building*
Merry: Wonder what their problem was!
Pippin: What about the mushrooms...?

[Galadriel]

lol Mushrooooms

[Elfdaughter]

lol - brilliant!! Had time to think of some more!!

LOTR as filmed by:


Spielberg - "FB, the Frodo-baggins"

Young Sam gets on his bike with FB in the basket. FB does a little bit of magic and together they fly in the bike over Orodruin and drop the ring into the fires that rage inside.


Catchphrase:

FB - F... B... return... Shire.



Scorsese - "Badfellas"

Sauron and his right-hand Saruman control all the low-lives of the tough Middle-earth neighbourhood (the sleazy part of New York City). Hungry for power, Saruman tries to overthrow Sauron's empire of crime, with the help of his henchman Gríma.

After much bloodshed, they all die.

NOTE: Soundtrack is composed exclusively of Howard Shore's "Who got Salami" song. (See the great "Who am I gambling" thread for an explanation.)


Cathphrase:

Frodo (to Sauron) - Are ya lookin' at me?



M. Night Shyamalan - "SIGNS of the Prancing Pony, the Hobbit sense"

Middle-earth is a place where un-dead Kings of Men dwell in secret, along with the spirits of the dead of Dargolad. People live in ingorant bliss in the Shire, not knowing that the dead are out there.


Catchphrases:

Hobbits in the Barrow-Downs - "We see dead people."

Arwen being chased by Nazgûl - "I see dead people."

Frodo at the Dead Marshes - "I see dead people."

Three hunters at the Paths of the Dead - "We see dead people."

Éowyn to Wi-Ki - "I see dead person."

Aragorn at Amon-Hen - "I see dead Boromir."

[Ithilraen]

Aragorn: It is an army bred for a single purpse: to destroy the world of men. They will be here by nightfall.
Theoden: Have all our stealth bombers fueled, armed and ready to go. Make sure all the men have suffcient ammo for their m-16's.

[Ithilraen]

Leoglas: Crebain! From the Dunlands!
(Scrambles to find a hiding place)
Aragorn pulls out a RPG (rocket propelled grenade) and shoots it toward the Crebain.
Aragorn: Who's hungry? (as pieces of bloody bird parts and feathers rain around them)

[Mocha]

[Back at Entmoot]
Pippin: Merry!
Treebeard: We have just agreed.

[Pause on the line]
Merry: Yes?
Treebeard: I have told your names to the ent moot and we have agreed that you are not Orcs after getting the Lie Detector results.
Pippin: Well that’s good news.
Merry: And what about Saruman? Have you come to a decision about him?
Treebeard: Now don’t be hasty, Master Meriadoc.
Merry: Hasty? Our friends are out there. They need our help! They cannot fight this war on their own.
Treebeard: War, yes. It affects us all. But you must understand, young hobbit. It takes a long time to use internet codes in old entish, and we never write anything unless it is worth taking a lOoo......Hello?!!? Psssssht.....can't hear you on my cell........*dead tone*
Merry: Pippin, remind me to buy TreeBeard a new Nokia cell phone instead of his old one....this time, I'll buy him the one with the Radio....
Pippin: *nods* how about we go watch Baywatch?
Merrry: Okay!

[Elfdaughter]

Hah! lol That's good!

[Mocha]

lol I love these parodies!

[SindarinGirl]

Bumpersticker seen on a horse: War on Mordor? NO!

[Elfdaughter]

This thread's nearly dead!!!! I'm going to renew it.

Boromir holding Narsil: Wow! The shards of Narsil!
Holds the hilt, playacting.
Boromir: Nananananana WARGMAN!!! Quick Wargman, to the Wargmobile!
Aragorn throws a book at Boromir.

[Onilalle]

HAHA!!! lol

Bilbo: I feel... thin, like butter scraped over too much bread...
Gandalf: Alright alright, I don't have time to play agony aunt here. I got a call from the Ferrari dealer about my wheels. So long, suckers!

~

Legolas: ...and you have my bow.
Sam: HEY, GUY WITH BOW!
Legolas: Yo.
Sam: I BID 200 GOLD COINS!
Elrond: Anymore takers?
Pippin: 300!
Elrond: going once...
Merry: 400!
Legolas: any more?
Elrond: Going twice...
Frodo: HEY! he was gonna give it to me anyway! ok, 550!
Elrond: aaaaand- SOLD, to the vertically challenged gentleman over there.
Gimli: bah! I could have got that!

[Bria]

This thread's nearly dead!!!! I'm going to renew it.

Boromir holding Narsil: Wow! The shards of Narsil!
Holds the hilt, playacting.
Boromir: Nananananana WARGMAN!!! Quick Wargman, to the Wargmobile!
Aragorn throws a book at Boromir.

:lmao: *dies laughing!!*lol lol
ok heres one

Merry sits down
Pippin: What is that?
Merry: this is a keg!
Pippin: they come in kegs?!
merry: hmm!
Pippin: I'm getting one!!:guzzle: