Morgothian
September 16th,2003, 06:15 AM
THE TWO TOWERS
GANDALF: Isn't it odd how we fell for about three miles, and yet we ended up
on TOP of a mountain?
BALROG: Who cares. It's freaking cold up here. I give up.
GANDALF: Cool. I think I'll go buy myself something white. White is supposed
to be the new black this year...
EMYN MUIL
SAM and FRODO are sitting together on a rock. SAM stretches, and drops his
arm around FRODO's shoulders.
SAM: So, sir. Finally it's just you and me.
FRODO: "Finally"? What do you mean?
SAM: Oh, uh...nothing...
FRODO: Well, you're wrong. We've got company.
GOLLUM flies out of the rocks and pounces on FRODO.
SAM: Hey! Wait your turn!
SAM and FRODO tie up GOLLUM.
GOLLUM: No! Smeagol not into ropes, nasty kinky hobbitses.
FRODO: We just want you to take us to Mordor, you sicko.
GOLLUM: Mordor? Hobbitses having little Goth phase, maybe? Very angsssty,
wanting to go to Mordor, yes yes. Can Smeagol offer black eyeliner to
angsssty hobbitses?
SAM: You stop talking to Mr.--hmm. (to FRODO) You know, you wouldn't look
half bad in eyeliner.
RIDDERMARK
EOMER: Hi! Okay, stop me if you've heard this one. An elf, a man, and a dwarf
walk into the Riddermark...
LEGOLAS: Ooh! And the elf shoots arrows through this git who rides up on a
horse. Yeah, I HAVE heard it! That's one of my favorites.
ARAGORN: Down, Legolas. Hey, have you folks seen a couple little guys, about
this high..?
EOMER: Nope. Oh! Unless they were in that pile of corpses we burned.
ARAGORN: Thank you; that's...useful...
EOMER: Yeah; my bad. Here, have some horses.
FANGORN FOREST
MERRY: Yay! We escaped the Uruk-hai!
PIPPIN: Uh, Merry? That tree is checking you out.
TREEBEARD: Hoom! Furry lawn ornaments!
TREEBEARD picks up MERRY and PIPPIN and carts them off.
FANGORN FOREST (next day)
GANDALF: Hey, kids. Miss me?
ARAGORN: Gandalf! You're alive!
LEGOLAS: I almost had a facial expression from the joy of it!
EDORAS
LEMONLYE: A lot of political maneuvering takes place here. Let's see if I can
summarize in ten lines or less.
THEODEN: I have ash all over my face and cannot speak for myself.
GRIMA: That's the way I like it.
GANDALF: Be blinded by my new robes! Recover your smooth complexion and your
senses!
THEODEN: Hurrah! I am me again! But, d***, my son's dead.
GRIMA: Hmm. I better run.
ARAGORN: Good work, sire. Now collect your people and skedaddle to Helm's
Deep.
EOWYN: Hal-lo, handsome!
ARAGORN: Hi. You handle pointy things very well.
EOWYN: Yes. My only fear is dying a virgin. Hint, hint.
ARAGORN: Okay! Well, let's move along.
EN ROUTE TO HELM'S DEEP
LEGOLAS: Wargs!
LEGOLAS and other warriors start slinging arrows and jumping onto horses.
GIMLI: What was that God-awful noise?
LEGOLAS: I'm guessing...wargs dying.
ARAGORN: Actually, it was Legolas's fangirl , shrieking in delight at his
horseback-riding tricks.
GIMLI: Ugh, that's sickening. Ooh, Aragorn, watch out! Cliff!
ARAGORN falls off cliff.
LEGOLAS: No! This is unbearable! I almost had ANOTHER facial expression!
ITHILIEN
SAM: Gollum is such a freak.
FRODO: Yeah, well, you're a jerk.
SAM: What? He IS a freak.
FRODO: Whatever, Sam. Want some cheese with your whine?
SAM: Why are you picking on me?
FRODO: I'm so sick of listening to you. It's always nag, nag, nag. I didn't
ASK you to come along, you know.
SAM: What the H***?
FRODO: Shut up. Screw you. Go away.
SAM: What happened to the magic, Mr. Frodo? We used to stay up till dawn,
laughing, talking, sharing...
FRODO: Oh, spare me.
FRODO stomps off.
RIVENDELL
ARAGORN finds himself in RIVENDELL with ARWEN lying on top of him.
ARAGORN: Hmm. This must be a dream.
ARWEN: Why do you say that?
ARAGORN: Because you're not even supposed to be IN this book.
ARWEN: Don't be mean. I'll tell Daddy.
ARAGORN: Whatever. Wake me up, would you? Since it's not really you licking
my face, I have the awful suspicion it's a horse. Or maybe Gimli.
HELM'S DEEP
ARAGORN arrives and collides with LEGOLAS.
LEGOLAS: Oh, good HEAVENS. You look TERRIBLE. You are NOT wearing THAT to the
battle tonight, are you? And your HAIR! What will we DO with you?
ARAGORN: Nice to see you, too.
RIVENDELL
GALADRIEL: Hello? Is this Elrond?
ELROND: Yes, speaking.
GALADRIEL: Hi Elrond; it's Galadriel.
ELROND: Hey, girl. Where are you?
GALADRIEL: In Lothlorien; where else would I be? Listen, I really wanted to
talk to you about Frodo.
ELROND: Yeah, I've been wondering about him lately.
GALADRIEL: He and Aragorn have SO much stuff to do.
ELROND: I know! And Aragorn's being such a wiener, I'm not even sure I want
him to marry my daughter...
GALADRIEL: Did you see his hair the other week? Hello, greaseball.
ELROND: And does he, like, only have that one shirt? Humans are so gross.
Hang on; I'm getting another telepathy call.
GANDALF: Hello? Hello? Elrond?
GALADRIEL: Gandalf? Is that you?
ELROND: Gandalf! Hey buddy!
GANDALF: Do you have me on three-way telepathy calling? I hate that.
ELROND: Yeah, sorry. I was talking to Galadriel. Hey, didn't you die or
something?
GANDALF: No, you twit. Now quit gossiping and listen. There's a war about to
start at Helm's Deep.
GALADRIEL: Yeah, and?
GANDALF: And they need your help, moron.
GALADRIEL: (exaggerated sigh) Fine, whatever. I'll send Haldir or something.
He's expendable.
HELM'S DEEP
LEGOLAS: This is going to be most unpleasant. Hundreds of people will die.
ARAGORN: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
LEGOLAS: You're just jealous because I'm pretty.
ARAGORN: You're just jealous because I'm going to be king.
(Ten minutes later)
LEGOLAS: I didn't mean that.
ARAGORN: It's okay. Me neither.
LEGOLAS: Kiss and make up?
ARAGORN: How about I squeeze your shoulder in a very special way?
FANGORN FOREST
PIPPIN: So we're STILL riding on this tree bloke's shoulders...
MERRY: Uh-huh. I have splinters in places you don't even want to imagine.
ITHILIEN
SAM seasons their rabbit stew as GOLLUM watches.
GOLLUM: Ssstupid fat hobbit! Using sage in stew like thisss!
SAM: What's your problem? Sage brings out the flavor.
GOLLUM: Smeagol would use nice mix of rosemary and lavender, yess, precious.
FRODO: Hey, you guys? Something's out there in the forest.
SAM: Rosemary? Hm, maybe. But you know what WOULD be good with this, is a
basic bechamel sauce with some dill.
GOLLUM: Sssimple hobbit; anyone makesss bechamel. Vichyssoise much tastier
and more difficult; yes...
FRODO: Hello? Guys? Seriously, someone's coming.
SAM: Now, if you only found us some eggs, I could make crepes, wrap up the
meat, drizzle the juices over it with a little bit of blackcurrant chutney...
FRODO: Hey, you guys, look! It's Martha Stewart!
GOLLUM: Where?
SAM: Where?
FRODO: Now that I have your attention, may I point out the Oliphaunt that's
about to step on us?
FARAMIR: Look! Strange little men! Let's take them home.
FARAMIR blindfolds SAM and FRODO and hauls them away.
HELM'S DEEP
ROHIRRIM GUARD: Sire, there are some really femmy people at the gate. They
have bows.
ARAGORN: Those are Elves. Let them in.
ROHIRRIM GUARD: Oh! Elves! Wow, I didn't expect that.
PEOPLE WHO READ THE BOOK: Neither did I...
GIMLI: Arr! I'm funny because I'm short.
LEGOLAS: I'm funny because I make fun of how short you are!
HENNETH ANNUN
FARAMIR: So, who are you, exactly?
FRODO: I'm Frodo. This is Sam.
FARAMIR: Your...image consultant?
SAM: His gardener.
FARAMIR: Ohh, like in a 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' kind of way?
SAM: Exactly.
FRODO: Righ--What??
HELM'S DEEP
ARAGORN: This siege is lasting forever. These poor people...
LEGOLAS: We will fight to the death. We will not fail you.
ARAGORN: Oh, not you guys--I meant the audience.
GIMLI: Aragorn! Toss me!
ARAGORN: Um, is this really the time?
GIMLI: Yes! Toss me!
ARAGORN: Look, I don't think about you that way...
GIMLI: No, you freak, throw me onto the Orcs!
(*NOTE: think about the line in the movie "toss me but don't tell the
elf".........)
FANGORN FOREST
TREEBEARD: We have opted, hoom, not to do a d*** thing.
PIPPIN: I didn't expect that.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Neither did I...
MERRY: Don't you even CARE? This is your planet too!
PIPPIN: You're very handsome when you yell at trees, Merry.
MERRY: Am I? Thanks.
TREEBEARD: Hoom, don't care. Taking you home.
PIPPIN: (to MERRY) Wait! I know. I'll bat my eyelashes at him.
MERRY: Good plan. I know *I* sure can't resist you when you do that. (winks
at PIPPIN)
PIPPIN: (to TREEBEARD) Mr. Tree, sir, could you take us south, pleeeease?
TREEBEARD: Ooom....D*** it, hoom...how can I say no to those eyes.
GANDALF: Isn't it odd how we fell for about three miles, and yet we ended up
on TOP of a mountain?
BALROG: Who cares. It's freaking cold up here. I give up.
GANDALF: Cool. I think I'll go buy myself something white. White is supposed
to be the new black this year...
EMYN MUIL
SAM and FRODO are sitting together on a rock. SAM stretches, and drops his
arm around FRODO's shoulders.
SAM: So, sir. Finally it's just you and me.
FRODO: "Finally"? What do you mean?
SAM: Oh, uh...nothing...
FRODO: Well, you're wrong. We've got company.
GOLLUM flies out of the rocks and pounces on FRODO.
SAM: Hey! Wait your turn!
SAM and FRODO tie up GOLLUM.
GOLLUM: No! Smeagol not into ropes, nasty kinky hobbitses.
FRODO: We just want you to take us to Mordor, you sicko.
GOLLUM: Mordor? Hobbitses having little Goth phase, maybe? Very angsssty,
wanting to go to Mordor, yes yes. Can Smeagol offer black eyeliner to
angsssty hobbitses?
SAM: You stop talking to Mr.--hmm. (to FRODO) You know, you wouldn't look
half bad in eyeliner.
RIDDERMARK
EOMER: Hi! Okay, stop me if you've heard this one. An elf, a man, and a dwarf
walk into the Riddermark...
LEGOLAS: Ooh! And the elf shoots arrows through this git who rides up on a
horse. Yeah, I HAVE heard it! That's one of my favorites.
ARAGORN: Down, Legolas. Hey, have you folks seen a couple little guys, about
this high..?
EOMER: Nope. Oh! Unless they were in that pile of corpses we burned.
ARAGORN: Thank you; that's...useful...
EOMER: Yeah; my bad. Here, have some horses.
FANGORN FOREST
MERRY: Yay! We escaped the Uruk-hai!
PIPPIN: Uh, Merry? That tree is checking you out.
TREEBEARD: Hoom! Furry lawn ornaments!
TREEBEARD picks up MERRY and PIPPIN and carts them off.
FANGORN FOREST (next day)
GANDALF: Hey, kids. Miss me?
ARAGORN: Gandalf! You're alive!
LEGOLAS: I almost had a facial expression from the joy of it!
EDORAS
LEMONLYE: A lot of political maneuvering takes place here. Let's see if I can
summarize in ten lines or less.
THEODEN: I have ash all over my face and cannot speak for myself.
GRIMA: That's the way I like it.
GANDALF: Be blinded by my new robes! Recover your smooth complexion and your
senses!
THEODEN: Hurrah! I am me again! But, d***, my son's dead.
GRIMA: Hmm. I better run.
ARAGORN: Good work, sire. Now collect your people and skedaddle to Helm's
Deep.
EOWYN: Hal-lo, handsome!
ARAGORN: Hi. You handle pointy things very well.
EOWYN: Yes. My only fear is dying a virgin. Hint, hint.
ARAGORN: Okay! Well, let's move along.
EN ROUTE TO HELM'S DEEP
LEGOLAS: Wargs!
LEGOLAS and other warriors start slinging arrows and jumping onto horses.
GIMLI: What was that God-awful noise?
LEGOLAS: I'm guessing...wargs dying.
ARAGORN: Actually, it was Legolas's fangirl , shrieking in delight at his
horseback-riding tricks.
GIMLI: Ugh, that's sickening. Ooh, Aragorn, watch out! Cliff!
ARAGORN falls off cliff.
LEGOLAS: No! This is unbearable! I almost had ANOTHER facial expression!
ITHILIEN
SAM: Gollum is such a freak.
FRODO: Yeah, well, you're a jerk.
SAM: What? He IS a freak.
FRODO: Whatever, Sam. Want some cheese with your whine?
SAM: Why are you picking on me?
FRODO: I'm so sick of listening to you. It's always nag, nag, nag. I didn't
ASK you to come along, you know.
SAM: What the H***?
FRODO: Shut up. Screw you. Go away.
SAM: What happened to the magic, Mr. Frodo? We used to stay up till dawn,
laughing, talking, sharing...
FRODO: Oh, spare me.
FRODO stomps off.
RIVENDELL
ARAGORN finds himself in RIVENDELL with ARWEN lying on top of him.
ARAGORN: Hmm. This must be a dream.
ARWEN: Why do you say that?
ARAGORN: Because you're not even supposed to be IN this book.
ARWEN: Don't be mean. I'll tell Daddy.
ARAGORN: Whatever. Wake me up, would you? Since it's not really you licking
my face, I have the awful suspicion it's a horse. Or maybe Gimli.
HELM'S DEEP
ARAGORN arrives and collides with LEGOLAS.
LEGOLAS: Oh, good HEAVENS. You look TERRIBLE. You are NOT wearing THAT to the
battle tonight, are you? And your HAIR! What will we DO with you?
ARAGORN: Nice to see you, too.
RIVENDELL
GALADRIEL: Hello? Is this Elrond?
ELROND: Yes, speaking.
GALADRIEL: Hi Elrond; it's Galadriel.
ELROND: Hey, girl. Where are you?
GALADRIEL: In Lothlorien; where else would I be? Listen, I really wanted to
talk to you about Frodo.
ELROND: Yeah, I've been wondering about him lately.
GALADRIEL: He and Aragorn have SO much stuff to do.
ELROND: I know! And Aragorn's being such a wiener, I'm not even sure I want
him to marry my daughter...
GALADRIEL: Did you see his hair the other week? Hello, greaseball.
ELROND: And does he, like, only have that one shirt? Humans are so gross.
Hang on; I'm getting another telepathy call.
GANDALF: Hello? Hello? Elrond?
GALADRIEL: Gandalf? Is that you?
ELROND: Gandalf! Hey buddy!
GANDALF: Do you have me on three-way telepathy calling? I hate that.
ELROND: Yeah, sorry. I was talking to Galadriel. Hey, didn't you die or
something?
GANDALF: No, you twit. Now quit gossiping and listen. There's a war about to
start at Helm's Deep.
GALADRIEL: Yeah, and?
GANDALF: And they need your help, moron.
GALADRIEL: (exaggerated sigh) Fine, whatever. I'll send Haldir or something.
He's expendable.
HELM'S DEEP
LEGOLAS: This is going to be most unpleasant. Hundreds of people will die.
ARAGORN: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
LEGOLAS: You're just jealous because I'm pretty.
ARAGORN: You're just jealous because I'm going to be king.
(Ten minutes later)
LEGOLAS: I didn't mean that.
ARAGORN: It's okay. Me neither.
LEGOLAS: Kiss and make up?
ARAGORN: How about I squeeze your shoulder in a very special way?
FANGORN FOREST
PIPPIN: So we're STILL riding on this tree bloke's shoulders...
MERRY: Uh-huh. I have splinters in places you don't even want to imagine.
ITHILIEN
SAM seasons their rabbit stew as GOLLUM watches.
GOLLUM: Ssstupid fat hobbit! Using sage in stew like thisss!
SAM: What's your problem? Sage brings out the flavor.
GOLLUM: Smeagol would use nice mix of rosemary and lavender, yess, precious.
FRODO: Hey, you guys? Something's out there in the forest.
SAM: Rosemary? Hm, maybe. But you know what WOULD be good with this, is a
basic bechamel sauce with some dill.
GOLLUM: Sssimple hobbit; anyone makesss bechamel. Vichyssoise much tastier
and more difficult; yes...
FRODO: Hello? Guys? Seriously, someone's coming.
SAM: Now, if you only found us some eggs, I could make crepes, wrap up the
meat, drizzle the juices over it with a little bit of blackcurrant chutney...
FRODO: Hey, you guys, look! It's Martha Stewart!
GOLLUM: Where?
SAM: Where?
FRODO: Now that I have your attention, may I point out the Oliphaunt that's
about to step on us?
FARAMIR: Look! Strange little men! Let's take them home.
FARAMIR blindfolds SAM and FRODO and hauls them away.
HELM'S DEEP
ROHIRRIM GUARD: Sire, there are some really femmy people at the gate. They
have bows.
ARAGORN: Those are Elves. Let them in.
ROHIRRIM GUARD: Oh! Elves! Wow, I didn't expect that.
PEOPLE WHO READ THE BOOK: Neither did I...
GIMLI: Arr! I'm funny because I'm short.
LEGOLAS: I'm funny because I make fun of how short you are!
HENNETH ANNUN
FARAMIR: So, who are you, exactly?
FRODO: I'm Frodo. This is Sam.
FARAMIR: Your...image consultant?
SAM: His gardener.
FARAMIR: Ohh, like in a 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' kind of way?
SAM: Exactly.
FRODO: Righ--What??
HELM'S DEEP
ARAGORN: This siege is lasting forever. These poor people...
LEGOLAS: We will fight to the death. We will not fail you.
ARAGORN: Oh, not you guys--I meant the audience.
GIMLI: Aragorn! Toss me!
ARAGORN: Um, is this really the time?
GIMLI: Yes! Toss me!
ARAGORN: Look, I don't think about you that way...
GIMLI: No, you freak, throw me onto the Orcs!
(*NOTE: think about the line in the movie "toss me but don't tell the
elf".........)
FANGORN FOREST
TREEBEARD: We have opted, hoom, not to do a d*** thing.
PIPPIN: I didn't expect that.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Neither did I...
MERRY: Don't you even CARE? This is your planet too!
PIPPIN: You're very handsome when you yell at trees, Merry.
MERRY: Am I? Thanks.
TREEBEARD: Hoom, don't care. Taking you home.
PIPPIN: (to MERRY) Wait! I know. I'll bat my eyelashes at him.
MERRY: Good plan. I know *I* sure can't resist you when you do that. (winks
at PIPPIN)
PIPPIN: (to TREEBEARD) Mr. Tree, sir, could you take us south, pleeeease?
TREEBEARD: Ooom....D*** it, hoom...how can I say no to those eyes.